Excrpt from my new book: BUILDING BETTER KIDS: A Life of Meaning
Chapter 15
Developing Self-Discipline Beyond Imposed Accountability
Right at the very beginning of this chapter I want to state with great clarity that disciplining, and punishing are two different things. We must not equate the two. Look at the base definitions.
Punish: To inflict a penalty or sanction on someone as retribution for an offense, to treat another harshly.
Discipline/Disciple: the practice of training people in an area of knowledge to support obeying rules or a code of behavior. Depending on the context of student, some level of punishment could be included.
As it is my general motivation, I want to share with you a few small scriptural sequences relating to this topic. By combining them I am hopeful it will bring a brighter light to the difference as well as a broader understanding of helping each child produce a firm sense of inward SELF-disciple and outward necessity of IMPOSED punishment. The truth is that if someone or some institution or organization feels it is required to impose a punishment on a person, indicates a practical lack of parental, extended family, and cultural corrections (discipling) being given, demonstrated, understood, and applied to the person.
I am certainly not saying the person whose punishment is being imposed is without personal culpability. With the rare exception of clinically associated mental disorders, each person has had to make a series of negative choices that has led to the infliction of punishment. Is punishment therefore necessary? Of course, it can be. However, what you will notice from the following scriptural witness, it is far more advantageous to begin early and often in helping each child develop a healthy connection to discerning the value of discipling themselves.
Let’s See What the Bible has to Say on the Subject.
He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly. (Psalms 13:24 NKJV)
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. 3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (Psalms 23:1-4 NKJV)
Let me offer clarity of what these two shepherding tools are for and why some of us have badly misinterpreted both their meaning and subsequent applications to the detriment of our children for hundreds of years. The staff is a guiding tool, and the rod protects the sheep from outside dangers. It is rather simple, isn’t it? God is recognized as a guiding and protecting force in the lives of the faithful. The rod is NOT to punish the sheep, but rather to protect the sheep. The staff is used to correct bad placement, to alter a wrong course, or if necessary, loop a leg or a smaller neck to directly and immediately bring the wayward sheep or lamb back into the group where their safety is easier to manage.
13 Some people brought their children to Jesus so he could bless them by placing his hands on them. But his disciples told the people to stop bothering him.
14 When Jesus saw this, he became angry and said, “Let the children come to me! Don’t try to stop them. People who are like these little children belong to the kingdom of God. 15 I promise you that you cannot get into God’s kingdom, unless you accept it the way a child does.” (Mark 10:13-15)
If the goal is to produce children who mature into self-disciplined adults, then the very first thing as Christians we need to get into our hearts and heads is STOP doing things that send the wrong message of what Jesus’ own teaching represents. The next critical reality is to STOP harshly punishing your children because your anger gets the better of you or it is more convenient because it takes less time to inflict a hoped for corrective action. That is both counterproductive and lazy parenting.
The above scripture from the gospel of Mark makes it abundantly clear to avoid hindering any child BY OUR ACTIONS in coming into a positive, empowering, accepting, and sustainable relationship with God THROUGH Jesus. If your child (any child) views your Christian faith contains rampant hypocrisy that leads any thinking person, (child or adult), that the love of God we proclaim is a sham, then I would ask,
“What good are we accomplishing for the cause of Christ?”
The answer is, “None.”
Can We Still Effectively Discipline Our Child with this Understanding?
Electrical Outlet, The Dog, and a Favorite Doll
My daughter was just a few months beyond her first steps of freedom by learning how to walk and run without falling over. It was during this early stage of independence that something potentially dangerous occurred. She was fascinated with electrical outlets, apparently because she saw her parents and two older siblings plugging and unplugging cables frequently. For whatever reason it represented to her another stage in her freedom to do what others were doing.
All of us would gently steer her away from each outlet as she attempted to unplug cords and then later plug – here’s where the danger came into view – anything that she could insert into the holes. One day it became evident that talking wasn’t going to discourage her behavior when she approached the outlet directly under the large picture window in the living room with a cup of water, wet hands, and a metal knife. All of those in the room screamed, NO! The poor thing was quite startled and started to cry. It was obvious that alternative methods were needed. That is where her favorite stuffed animal and her very alive dog came into play.
To better introduce the concept of positive or negative actionable choices will always lead to some sort of consequences. To demonstrate to the 20-month-old this understanding I retrieved from her bedroom floor her favorite stuffed dog animal. I quickly went around the room and whispered into the ears of those present the dramatic scene we were about to attempt.
My daughter and her real dog came over to the outlet. I brought the stuffed dog and the table knife that we had earlier taken away from her. I took the knife in my hand and moved toward the outlet. And those in the living room yelled and growled with disapproval. Then as I placed the knife down on the floor and turned my back away from the outlet everyone cheered, applauded, and said good-boy. I offered her the knife back and as she took it I pretended to cry and everyone else said a hearty, NO! Unfortunately, she laughed.
Next step was to use the stuffed animal.
I grabbed the toy dog and pressed the knife into its pretend paw and moved toward the outlet. As I got closer the room growled and I placed the dog on the floor and said, “NO! Bad Dog.” Then I hit the dog in the head. Suddenly two things happened. One funny and the other seemed to be the proverbial light-bulb going off over her head. The first was her real dog walked up and sat directly next to her. The second was when I reached out to her with the knife in my hand as though to offer to give it to her, the look on her face was one of concern and apprehension. Yet, she still started to very slowly reach toward the knife and while doing so, her real dog immediately went in between her arm and the knife and gently grabbed her sleeve and pulled her away. The room all started to laugh and then cheer.
She finally understood and never went toward any outlet again as though it was something to play with or not be afraid of.
The Door, Computer, Phone, Clothes, and Ride to Bus Stop
The next example took far more patience on our part to make the critical point of that privilege, lack of respect for household rules, and not taking character development seriously is not only a bad decision but also a fairly easy one to correct with the right level of attitude adjustment. Plus, after a couple of weeks became a prime example of it’s easier to get yourself straight before someone else does it for you.
Making her bed, cleaning up after herself in the bathroom and kitchen as well as placing her school assignments as a priority were ongoing challenges that after several conversations were not successfully addressed by her.
What to do?
Her response to her mother concerning her unwillingness to clean up after herself was basically
“This is my room and it’s seems OK to me.”
Her mother’s response, “It’s not OK with me. Clean it up and keep it clean.”
After a week with little improvement. I brought a flathead screwdriver and a small hammer and removed the hinges and the door to her room. Her mother reminded her that the room she uses is a privilege NOT a right. Treat it accordingly. I wish I could tell you it got better quickly. Nope. I now had a front row seat to a mother and daughter war of wills, and I can share that the mom in this scenario was determined to teach her teenager a lifelong lesson about respect, humility and making self-disciplined choices.
After 10 total days things progressed in the removal of her computer from her room to a small desk in the TV area. Then her headphones that allowed her to listen to music followed by the removal of her closet doors and ¾ of her clothes and all but three pairs of shoes. Then the final stroke of, as my wife described it, her last chance to meet Jesus, she took away her phone and told her there would no more morning rides to the school bus stop. Walking either through rain or shine was now her responsibility. To have any of her privileges returned she had to dramatically alter her choices and behavior. As each corrective goal was achieved a privilege was happily returned.
Eventually, over the course of a couple of months, all were granted back to her control. Every transformational step was met with a small acknowledgement and an equally under-stated positive reinforcement. Later we arranged for family and friends to go out to diner to openly celebrate her renewed value of appreciating the value associated with learning how to SELF-discipline versus having someone else imposing a corrective action on her.
Even though those two months were not fun for anyone, especially our daughter, we were resolute in our parental partnership to love our daughter enough to help her understand a major life lesson. That lesson lasted her well into her adulthood and especially paid off when she was challenged by the rigors of college life.
Teach your children right from wrong, and when they are grown they will still do right. (Proverbs 22:6)
Parents, don’t be hard on your children. Raise them properly. Teach them and instruct them about the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Memorize his laws 7 and tell them to your children over and over again. Talk about them all the time, whether you’re at home or walking along the road or going to bed at night, or getting up in the morning. (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)
It makes me very happy when the Lord’s followers come by and speak openly of how you obey the truth. 4 Nothing brings me greater happiness than to hear that my children are obeying the truth. (3 John 1:3-4)
The Lord corrects the people he loves and disciplines those he calls his own.” 7 Be patient when you are being corrected! This is how God treats his children. Don’t all parents correct their children? 8 God corrects all his children, and if he doesn’t correct you, then you don’t really belong to him. 9 Our earthly fathers correct us, and we still respect them. Isn’t it even better to be given true life by letting our spiritual Father correct us?
10 Our human fathers correct us for a short time, and they do it as they think best. But God corrects us for our own good, because he wants us to be holy, as he is. 11 It is never fun to be corrected. In fact, at the time it is always painful. But if we learn to obey by being corrected, we will do right and live at peace. (Hebrews 12:6-11)
Christian Understanding 